I am incredibly disappointed right now. No, disappointed is not exactly the right word. I am filled with a sense of dread, and this dread is caused by a type of recognition I think. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am experiecing the symptoms of disillusionment.
For the longest time my greatest fear has been madness. Not madness as an abstract concept, or madness as seen in others, but madness as an inescapable delusion that would engulf me and prove every thought and feeling within me to be unfounded and unreal. I have always thought contemplation and interiority to be my greatest weapons against such an onslaught, and that if I was aware of every impetus that leads me to action I would be able to combat madness effectively. In short, I thought that in knowing the Self truly and completely, I could know madness, and thus avoid it.
Apparently, this is not the case. Freud said that Nietzsche knew himself better than any other man... and yet he still went terribly, terribly mad. Am I to end up like Nietzsche? Will a lifetime of insights be rewarded with the ultimate negation of those insights? We who tread the paths untouched by others... do these paths inevitably lead to madness? Are we aware that this is our ultimate destination? Do we know the consequences of our choice? And do we choose to disregard those consequences simply because we are wise enough to know that enlightenment is not a destination, but merely the culmination of landmarks on the side of the road?